The Tijuana Sex Show Simulation
by phantagrae
Summary: Written for the Big Bang Theory Holiday Extravaganza! This ficlet fills in a missing scene where Sheldon helps Amy prepare for her Victorian Christmas party. Thanks to FoxPhile for quick and fast beta and for reading it 3 times! 5 of 8 required words used: feast, jolly, mistletoe, passion, slippery.


The Tijuana Sex Show Simulation

Sheldon settled into his seat in Amy's idling car, carefully buckling his seat belt.

"Good morning, Sheldon," Amy said brightly.

"Good morning, Amy," he replied, returning her smile with one of his own.

"I'm glad you agreed to come with me this morning," she said, looking over her left shoulder as she pulled out into traffic.

Sheldon sighed and slumped a little into his seat.

"Amy, you know how I feel about shopping in general, and about Christmas shopping in particular," he began.

"Well, I think it could be fun, Sheldon," she replied. "I'm very excited about hosting this party and I want to be sure I have everything I need. I could use your objective opinion, and I might need some help carrying all my bags up to my apartment. "

He sighed again.

"So basically I'm just a pack mule for you?" he muttered.

"You know that's not true," Amy said affably. "I just want to spend some time with you today. Besides, it'll be nice to have someone to talk to while I'm shopping."

He turned to her with a knowing smile. "I suppose I do provide more interesting conversation than the usual female jibber-jabber you get from Penny and Bernadette."

Amy ignored his last comment and pressed on.

"I think we'll hit the home decor store first, then a quick dash to the grocery store, and last of all, we'll stop for a Christmas tree."

"What?" Sheldon turned sharply toward her with a frown. "You want me to help you buy a tree?"

"Yes, Sheldon," she replied. "It wouldn't be a very authentic Victorian Christmas without a tree, or with an artificial tree. I need you to help me pick the right tree, then to help me get it upstairs."

"Oh, Amy…" he sighed, shaking his head. "You know how I feel about Christmas trees. I've already agreed to go to your party. Why do I have to handle those sticky, pokey, spider-infested…"

"That's enough," Amy interrupted. "I want to find the perfect tree and you're the best perfectionist I know."

He turned to look out the passenger window for a moment as he considered her words.

"Well, I suppose that's true," he conceded at last. "But if we're going to do this right, then we'd better save the groceries for last. We don't know how long it will take to find the perfect tree."

Amy nodded as she smiled to herself.

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Amy pushed a shopping cart down the aisle of Christmas decorations, looking for lights and ornaments that would fit her Victorian theme.

"Ooh, look at this one!" Sheldon enthused, holding up miniature USS Enterprise ship.

Amy shook her head. "Sheldon, remember we have a Victorian theme. No Star Trek, no super heroes, nothing modern."

"You're taking all the fun out of this for me…"

"Come on, Sheldon, you know enough about Christmas," Amy persisted. "Help me out here."

"Okay," he sighed, turning toward the boxes of Christmas lights. "These white lights should look a little like traditional candles on a tree, without the fire hazard potential of open flames perched on dry wooden branches. While electric lights were indeed beginning to appear in the Victorian period, most regular people couldn't afford them and still used small candles. Since they don't seem to have any candle-shaped bulbs here, I think the plain white lights will do."

"Thanks," she said, smiling as she put them in her basket. "What do you think of these ornaments?" She held up a box for him to see. It was a set of antique-looking blown glass angels.

"Those will work," he remarked. "You'll probably need about three boxes." He handed the additional boxes to her and got down to business, inspecting and rejecting several other ornaments until he found some he thought were authentic enough.

"These with the lace on them would be appropriate," he commented, handing more decorations to her. "And anything that looks handmade, like this little crocheted reindeer. It may not be entirely authentic, but it's in the right style. And it's cute." He blushed and turned away as he dropped it into the cart.

After adding some other items for the shelves and tables in her apartment, they made their way to the checkout and on to their next stop.

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Amy led the way through the tree lot while Sheldon reluctantly followed, keeping his arms wrapped around his body.

"Come on, Sheldon," Amy urged. "I still have to stop at the grocery store for the ingredients for my figgy pudding. And do you know how hard it is to find a goose big enough to feed our whole group? It's going to get late on us."

"You and that figgy pudding," he grumbled. "It's not really pudding. If you're going to make pudding, why can't it just be regular chocolate pudding?"

"Because that wouldn't be authentic," Amy responded. "Besides, if the English were making their version of pudding before we Americans came up with what we call pudding, then whose definition is correct?"

"Chocolate pudding is better than cake with raisins."

"Sheldon," Amy admonished, shaking her head. "Not only do we still have to go to the grocery store, but you have to help me decorate the tree. I want you to help me make a cranberry garland and a popcorn garland."

"This keeps getting more and more complicated," he muttered. "I agree to come shopping with you and now I'm on a slippery slope that ends in popcorn and cranberry garlands. I suppose you want me to be jolly, too."

"Don't you want to help me?" she asked, stopping in front of him.

"Yes, I guess so," he said. "But you know how I feel about Christmas and now you're making me participate in all these preparations."

"I just thought we were a team," she said, a little sadness coloring her voice.

"We are," he affirmed, softening his tone. "I'm sorry. I'll help you, but I can't promise that I'm going to be happy about all of it." He looked warily at the trees now surrounding them. "And I don't want to get spiders up my sleeves."

"Well, the sooner we get this done, the sooner we'll be out of here," she said. "I still have a lot of work to do to prepare the feast!" She chose a tree and held it up beside her. "How about this one? Is it even and straight?"

Sheldon cocked his head to one side as he studied the tree. He walked around Amy and the tree to get a look at the other side.

"Nope," he said. "It's got a big sparse area on the back. Try that one." He pointed to another possibility.

She held it up. "Well?"

He studied it and gave a shrug. "I guess it's a contender, but it's not perfect."

After several tries and comparisons, they finally selected a tree that came as close to perfection as possible. It was starting to get dark as they made their way to the cashier, and the proprietor turned on strings of Christmas lights crisscrossing the tree lot.

"Isn't that pretty?" Amy said, gazing up at the twinkling lights.

Sheldon looked back across the lot, nodding in agreement.

In front of the small cashier's stand, Amy noticed a sprig of mistletoe hanging from a string of lights above their heads.

"Look Sheldon! Mistletoe!" she said with a wide grin, grabbing his arm.

"Amy…" he began, shaking his head as he eyed the people in line around them.

She pulled him down into an enthusiastic kiss, her hands on his neck as she stood on tiptoe to meet his height halfway.

He blinked rapidly as that familiar warm shock shot through him. It was so unexpected that he didn't know what to do with his hands at first. As she continued the kiss—more passionate than their usual date night kisses—he finally relented and slipped his arms around her waist.

She moved her lips across his, pressing more eagerly as he began to respond in kind. Once they had incorporated kissing into their date-night routine, she had let him take the lead in the nature and duration of their kisses. She kissed him back, but only in the most chaste way.

Her manner now was startling in its seeming wantonness and he found it both pleasing and astonishing.

When Amy at last broke the kiss, a few onlookers offered them a smattering of applause, making Sheldon blush and turn away, as Amy smiled widely and soaked up the attention.

He stepped off to one side as she paid the cashier. When she joined him to drag their tree out to the car, he bent down to whisper sharply at her.

"Amy, that was embarrassing!" he hissed.

"I liked it," she said simply, still smiling. "And the others in line seemed to like it, too." She patted his arm as he pulled the heavy tree up to her car.

"Well, if they liked to watch people having sex in the parking lot, are you going to want to do that, too?" he squeaked.

"Hmmm…" she jokingly mused.

"AMY!" he barked.

"Oh, Sheldon, you know I'm kidding," she said with a laugh. "Now, lift that tree up on top of my car so we can tie it down."

"We looked like we were in one of those Tijuana sex shows," he muttered as he struggled to get the tree onto the roof of her car. "Quick, get the twine on this thing before I drop it!"

Amy began to tie the tree to the car. "When would you have ever seen a Tijuana sex show?" she scoffed.

"You have no idea the kinds of things Howard had Raj and Leonard watching before they all got girlfriends," he answered, letting go of the tree once it was secured.

"And did you watch also?" Amy teased, brushing off her hands and getting in the driver's seat.

Sheldon sat in the passenger seat and pulled some individually wrapped wet wipes from his jacket pocket, handing one to her while he used the other.

"This sap is never going to come off," he said under his breath as he scrubbed vigorously at his hands.

"You didn't answer my question, Sheldon," she said playfully.

He quirked an eyebrow at her. "I only ever saw a few minutes of such things as I was leaving the room," he answered archly.

She nodded knowingly as she started the car.

"Okay," she said. "Now to the store for my figgy pudding."

"Ugh!" Sheldon exclaimed. "Raisins!"


End file.
